The sad part about this disease is that most times it does not reflect on a person's physicality so it is difficult for others to know what the person is going through and most times people are ashamed to share in order not to be looked down on.
One can be rich and have the best of life and still suffer from depression.
Several factors can cause depression.
Anxiety, stress, fear, exposure to negative environment all contribute to mental health issues.
Let me get personal now.
I was 12 years old in high school and one of the best students in my class when i read one of the text books assigned to my class for Literature course.
The school deemed the book fit for 12-15 year olds to read at that time.
I was the youngest in my class.
Reading that book completely changed my life and exposed to me anxiety, fear, mental health issues.
In the book, the main character killed his father and killed himself.
What I didnot know was that my young heart was not ready to read such a violent book but it was mandatory so I had no choice.
Shortly after reading the textbook, I will be sitting in the class and a force which I will wish no human being would be pushing me to take a knife and kill myself.
Luckily at the tender age, my parents had already taught me how to pray. So when the feeling starts, I continued to pray.
However, this occupied my whole life thereafter. Most times i was busy trying to fend off this feeling of suicide and i was so ashamed to tell anyone what i was going through.
Being one of the brightest students, my course work began to suffer as I was desperately trying to live against any other thing.
I started dodging tests feigning illness. This feeling consumed me but I was desperate to live because i didnot see any reason to die.
Nothing tragic has happened in my life to warrant suicide, except that I read a book which my young innocent heart was forced to and was not old enough to comprehend.
Since I was so ashamed to tell anyone i started writing to foreign televangelists i saw on television but never got any replies.
However, I was not sure that they even got my letters.
I always looked forward to going home thinking that my problems will abate if only i was with family.
I didnot realise that the torment will increase and even get worse.
Back at home during holidays, my parents bedroom was close to my bedroom, the same force which was telling me to kill myself in school will tell me to go and kill my parents like the character did in the book.
My parents always left their door open. You can imagine the torment.
The force pushing me to kill i will not wish even my worst enemy. Until you have experienced this it will be difficult to comprehend.
The only thing i knew was that i had no reason to kill my parents except that this negative force was pushing me.
My only solution was praying praying praying.
We are catholics and the Holy rosary was always won by me or by the side of my bed.
My holidays were ruined because i was just trying desperately not to be a murderer or commit suicide.
This was the internal struggle i had to deal with at a very young age. My whole life was filled with fear of doing something i didnot want to do.
I succeeded in finishing high school in flying colours through determination.
All these while not a single soul knew that i was going through this.
Luckily i was able to enter university at the tender age of 15. Through out the university, I was fortunate that the feeling of suicide or murder never cropped up and i finished university at the tender age of 19 also in flying colours.
However, during the holidays, i would be sleeping close to my sisters and this same force will be trying to get me to kill them.
It took every strength in me and prayers to avert a horrendous occurrence.
It was only 20 years later that i started opening up to my sister what i went through as a child.
I could have gotten help if i had told someone. The shame was real.
Later in life i started dating this young lad who took me for a fool. For nearly three years i was in an unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationship but still stayed in it until i caught him parading another much younger girl as his would be wife on instagram.
The sheer horror of that deception sent me into another wave of that feeling of suicide.
My soul was so hurt that it took the grace of God for me to pull through.
All through that period, there was no support system as everyone looked at me as stupid for even dating a younger guy.
Determination has made me pull through but over the years i have realised you need to confide in someone no matter how shameful it is.
It takes just a second to go the deep end as you will be carrying this deep burden all alone.
Choose only positive people as friends. Do away immediately with negative people as they will worsen your situation.
The internet and social media is awash with negative stories, of terrorism, murder, rape, suicides and what not.
They unconciously glorify these atrocities by making them front page news.
Avoid if you can reading details of all these atrocities. There is nothing to gain from it.
Over the years, i have found out that reading or watching these atrocities on the internet ruins my days, as i will be depressed the whole day and imagining these things so i stay away from them.
Having faith in a higher source in my case Lord Jesus also helps you through this as you are accountable to someone other than yourself.
Try as much as possible to be busy as idleness breeds all sorts of negativity.
Each day i still struggle whenever there is any stress at all. It is a continuous struggle.
There are so many things that steer up depression, whatever it is, speak to someone.
There is nothing to be ashamed of.
If this article has helped someone, then my work is done.
This piece was written by Janet Atunga
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